I am.

today, I'm going to come to you as raw and authentic as I can, which I haven't done with anyone in a really long time. Until today. Over the past three weeks, I've attempted to write something to post multiple times, yet each time feeling as though my words had failed me. I was too consumed with worrying of what everyone else would think of my writing rather than just writing. Well, I'm done with that. I'm coming to y'all as real as I can today, which to be honest is terrifying. But I mean what is the point of life if we fail to ever push ourselves into a place of vulnerability, that God may meet us there. I'm done with the fake fronts and facades of this life, I am a broken and messy human being, and that's just how it is. And it is in this brokenness that the truth and power of God may be proclaimed. So today I will choose to take the risk to be Authentic. Raw. Real. So here I am bare faced, exhausted, sitting cross legged on my twin sized bed with a blanket wrapped around me and my hood over my head writing to you. This is me.

My entire life I have been a perfectionist in the truest form possible, and to add on to that, I am 1000% a people pleaser, no matter how much I try and deny it. Growing up I was consumed with being the best, most "godly" kid for my parents so that I could make them proud. In school I always strived to be top of my class, and you already know that anything less than an A had me in tears. Moving into high school, sports became my life. My coaches' praise became something I lived for and I soon began to do the unthinkable just for a game. And eventually, I found my purpose in a boyfriend who would tell me everything I had ever wanted to hear. I loved it. It was the perfect storm. Each of things consumed me more and more until I reached the point where I knew destruction was inevitable, but I couldn't stop.

In order to "make my parents proud" I presented a version of myself that was completely opposite to who I was on the inside. I wanted nothing to do with God and was so angry at Him for the things He allowed to happen in my life. I knew how to "play the game" better than most. I could speak "Christianese" anytime of the day and put on this Holy front whenever I felt necessary, but the truth was I felt so empty. In order to keep my "star student" persona I would push myself to exhaustion studying for hundreds of hours as well as skipping out on sleeping and eating just so that I could get the "A". In order to become the "MVP" on my teams I would push my body beyond its limit, to the point of an eating disorder, just to get that starting position. And in order to keep the boyfriend, I would drop all my standards and morals in order that I might keep him interested in me and make him happy.

But no matter how hard I tried, I would never be enough for this world.

Eventually a day would come when I would disappoint my parents. Along with that came the moments when my teacher would hand me the test that I had just failed or the when my coach decided to bench me. And with my boyfriend, yeah, I soon discovered that no matter how much I gave of myself, I would never be enough.

So in the end,

was it worth it?

always striving, yet never enough.

all because I found my identity in everyone and everything but God.

In the pursuit of approval and perfection, I felt more rejected and flawed then ever. I felt as though I would never be enough for anyone, and that fear was crippling.

Coming into college, this fear continued to overwhelm me and I was lost. I looked to anyone and anything that would come my way to tell me my worth, because I couldn't identify it myself. I thought worth came from the thoughts and opinions others had of you, so naturally I became consumed with what everyone thought of me. Was I pretty enough? Was I skinny enough? Was I smart enough? Was I godly enough? Was I myself enough? But how could I expect anyone else to see my worth when I couldn't even see it myself?

Why has the world trained our minds to believe that we must live up to these unrealistic standards in order to be anything in this world. That if we don't look or dress a certain way that we aren't "worthy" of feeling beautiful. Why would they feed us such lies? Because that's just what they are, lies.

to lie (verb): to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive.

John 8:44b "[The devil] was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies."

1 Peter 5:8 "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour."

and suddenly, it all makes sense.

The world is blind to the truth because they do not know the truth. They don't know that their identity and worth is not defined by such temporary things like beauty and riches. However, we do know the truth. And it is in this truth that we are offered life and life to the full. So why do we struggle to accept this identity that has already been proclaimed over us by our Creator? Why do we willingly choose to enslave ourselves to these lies on a daily basis? Picture this.

A little child is captured in war, taken from his family, and held hostage by the enemy for years. One day, news comes that the war has ended. His people have won the victory; he was finally free. They release him from captivity and for the first time in years he is walking free from chains. After being released back into freedom, he wanders for days seeking refuge in someone or something. Yet after days of searching with nowhere to go and no one to turn to, he retreats to the only place he ever knew-right back into the hands of the enemy. As he enters the dark shadows of the night, he willing returns to the cage in which he was held. Upon entering he sits on the filthy ground and continues to rechain himself to the place he had been imprisoned for so many years...but why?

he found security in his chains.

and thus willingly imprisoned himself.

can you relate? have you ever found yourself seeking so desperately for someone else to tell you your worth? Or pushing yourself to limits beyond yourself just so you can meet the unrealistic standards set by the world? have you ever gone a day or two without eating to try and look a certain way or lost sleep over someone else's opinion of you? Have you ever felt like you had no choice but to get ready in the morning out of fear of how others would perceive you? be honest with yourself. In who or what are you finding your worth today?

Last week I found myself laying on my dorm room floor crippled by the fear that I would never be enough for this world, no matter how hard I tried. I was exhausted, and I couldn't bare living another day allowing everyone, including myself, to hold these chains on me. I was enslaved. Enslaved to the opinions and standards the world screamed at me to meet, enslaved to the lies the devil fed me, enslaved to the fear that consumed me, and enslaved to a life and identity I was tired of trying to live up to.

Then why did I do it? Why do we do it? Why do we give imperfect humans with flawed vision the power to assign us our value. Why are we so quick to find beauty and worth in everyone and everything BUT ourselves? Why? Why? Why?

Because... in the midst of all the lies of our world, the truth has grown strangely dim.

The truth that no one has the power to determine your worth,

not even yourself.

For we as humans are so so flawed, and any judgement of our worth coming from a human tongue will be as flawed as we are. Neither you nor anyone else has the ability or power to diminish your worth, and once you believe that truth, you are set free.

It doesn't matter how much you bash yourself or allow others to tear you down. It doesn't matter how that guy mistreated you or your friend betrayed you. It doesn't matter how you did on that test or that you don't wear the same size as your roommate. And most of all, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you, because through it all your value is the same. The way someone treats you doesn't diminish your value either, it just shows how ignorant us humans are to things of true value and worth (which makes sense with where our world's priorities are these days). And trust me, why should we ever care about the opinion of someone who is blind to beauty in the first place? They couldn't tell the difference between things of heavenly and earthly value anyway.

So please listen to me when I say, you don't have to keep striving for their approval, I know you're tired. I get it, I feel the exact same way. Find rest in the one who finds delight in you, baggage and all. You don't have to hide behind the makeup or the clothes to get someone's attention, trust me. The one who you really want chasing you will have the vision to see your truth worth, beyond the surface, just as Christ does. Speaking from experience, never EVER go into a relationship giving the other person the power to determine your worth, for that is one of the greatest powers you can give someone in this world, and it will enslave you to them.

You deserve to be treated with all the value that you were created with by the King of the Universe. If you don't hear anything else today about your value, please listen to this: Your Creator sent His Son to die for you, just so you could know that you were worth it to Him, you were enough. You are enough. Now please, this world tells us to settle for someone who will see us circumstantially; however, in Proverbs 31:30 it says:

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

What is evident to the eyes at first glance is no determination of true value and beauty. A man who truly loves you won't ever make you feel as though you are not enough. The one the Lord has for you will love you because they will see the value you have in Christ. He will see you as Christ sees you, one worthy of praise, invaluable, and more than enough. Because in Him I am enough.

So whoever it is that may be reading this, live in the freedom that the Lord has proclaimed over you. Take refuge in this truth today. YOU are enough. YOU are worthy. And YOU are so valued in the eyes of your Creator. NO ONE gets to define you but Him. So choose today to live in the identity that He has already given you, because honey, trust me, you're way too valuable to let some flawed human being determine your worth. Live in the freedom that He has already proclaimed over you and never return to the chains that once held you down, for you are a child of the one who has already OVERCOME THE WORLD. Find confidence in knowing that You are enough, with or without their approval, and it's about time you start acting like it. Plus, there will always be someone in this world who can't see your worth.

Don't let it be you.

So today I dare you to let this world see what they've been missing out on. Go outside with no makeup on and let the sun kiss your beautiful face, laugh freely till your sides hurt knowing that our God has already overcome the world, take a risk and love those near to you that they may get a glimpse of the all sufficient love of our Savior, but most of all, rest in the embrace of your Almighty Creator, in whom you are fully known and fully loved and listen to the truth that He proclaims over you, that "You are enough".

Prayer:

Hi Dad,

I thank you for the identity You have declared over me today. I pray that You would help me to see myself the way you do, because this world has convinced me that I am not enough. Equip me with the courage to walk today as one who is free, as You have said I am. Help me to seek you for my worth above the opinions of those around me. Give me eyes that I may view myself and others through the lens you do, in love and in grace. As well Lord, help me to have grace on myself when I mess up because finding my identity in You alone isn't easy. Lord I know You offer me more than this world ever will, help me to cling to this truth in desperate times. Carry me Lord for I am weak, my exhaustion overwhelms me. Be my refuge for my own strength fails me, and remind of the truth that you have declared over me Lord. The truth that I am free, free in You Lord. And in Your sight I am always enough. Please help me through this journey of me finding my identity in You.

I love You,

In Jesus Name

Amen.

-Beloved

Verses to remind you of truth:

John 10:10

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

1 Samuel 16:7

"But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

John 3:1

"See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him."

2 Corinthians 5:17

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."

Psalm 139:13-14

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Solomon 4:7

"You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you."

Psalm 34:5

"Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed."

Proverbs 31:10

"She is worth far more than rubies."

Ephesians 2:10

"For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

Songs to remind you of truth:

"You Say": Lauren Daigle

"More Beautiful You": Jonny Diaz

"You Are More": Tenth Avenue North

"Who You Say I Am": Hillsong Worship

"Reckless Love": Cory Asbury

"Mended": Matthew West

"The Breakup Song": Francesca Battistelli