BATTLE STRIPES

To live this life as anything other than authentic would be a disservice to the world around us. Though they have told us that our scars carry darkness and shame, and though they have told us our brokenness is what makes us unlovable... I have come to realize that I would rather be loved bearing the scars of the battles I have faced and overcome with God by my side, than pretend as though this strength has come from me alone.

I can't live any longer hiding scars that tell a story, my story. Of a God who was and is able to overcome anything I may face. Who met me in the valley of the shadow of death and fought for me when I didn't even want to fight for myself.

Today, i am going to share one of my scars with you, however, this one is still somewhat raw. I have to apologize for not showing it sooner, however, I have found that it is often hardest to speak of our wounds when they are still fresh.

In any person's journey, I think it's hard to want to show our scars, and to let them speak for themselves.

there is something about being vulnerable, being broken for others to see...it's terrifying.

It takes courage,

to love yourself, scars and all, and to fight this battle,

and it takes grace,

to know that it is in our brokenness that we see our need for Him.

And as a broken and flawed human being,

those are two things I am learning to walk in.

I've come to realized that just living takes a lot of courage, to not want to just give up when things get really hard, when life is pulling you down, when you just don't know how you'll make it to tomorrow.

Yet, we are all standing here today.

we made it through that day we thought would ruin us,

that season we thought would never end,

and the battles we thought would never be won.

We each stand, united,

changed by the battles we have faced and are facing,

learning how to fight better for the battles to come,

and painted with the scars, both fresh and old, that tell a story words could never fully capture.

The following journal entries document the last 5 months of my life, and honestly were never written with the intent of anyone else to see. Writing was often the only healthy way I knew how to express the war waging inside of me and it is in these prayers that I cried out to God for hope and strength. For any struggling with mental illness, please proceed with caution, words hold power. I bring these to you in hope that through my scars and wounds that His glory and power can be proclaimed. That vulnerability could reap vulnerability and that feelings and words that once chained me can be used to help set others free. We are all broken, we are all struggling, and we all have scars and battles we are facing. however, none of our stories are stories of defeat, for we have a God who is good even in the midst the battle. A God who is able to save us and a God who will let no scar go to waste. a God who will use every scar to proclaim His glory, goodness. A God who can save us from the darkest of nights.

My scar // a battle with anxiety and depression:

October 10, 2019: Prayer Journal Entry

*the week I began to be pulled back into the fight with anxiety and depression*

"Daddy,

im exhausted. I'm tired of fighting. sometimes this feels like a battle I'll never win. I know the truth, I preach the truth, I lift others up in truth, but I just don't believe it. I keep pouring out my heart, opening it up, being vulnerable and proclaiming Your hope and love through my brokenness, yet I feel so unseen. I feel forgotten, overlooked, stupid, unwanted, and underappreciated. Like me giving them a piece of my heart is only worth a double click of their finger. Oh Lord, I feel so rejected by this world, and it hurts me to my core. I feel as though nothing I do is good enough. It's exhausting, discouraging, and lonely Lord. I feel so alone in this pursuit of You...The praise of this world puts a bitter taste in my mouth, like swallowing salt water and expecting a sweet piece of fruit on your tongue and getting an over-aged rotting taste. their praise and words never satisfy. In fact, they leave me feeling more empty than before. They make me want to hide, to protect myself so no one can get close, so no one can really get to know my heart. Because if I let me see me, all of me, the dreams and passions of my heart, and they still choose to reject me,

I don't know what I'll do...

Oh Lord,

save me.

because I can't save myself, and I'm tired of trying.

I love you,

Your Beloved"

October 21, 2019: Prayer Journal Entry

"Oh Daddy,

Today I remember You are good, even when this life doesn't feel good. Though it's hard to believe at times, I see evidence of it all around me. I see it in the way the sun sets and rises, in the way the flowers bloom for You and You alone, in the way the birds fly and how Your delicate yet powerful hand paints the sky. I see it in the mosquitoes will to live as I see it in my own. I see it in the way all creation declares Your glory. Lord, though I lack the happiness I seek, I am not hopeless. I can cling to this truth that you are good, and that is enough, it will always be enough. Deliver me Lord, not from this thorn but from the chains I've put on myself. Rescue me into your hands, where my weary soul can finally find rest. And remind me Lord today that this battle has already been won."

October 22, 2019: Prayer Journal Entry

I no longer think being a Christian looks like being perfect.

In fact, I think it looks like being broken, and not being ashamed of that.

I don't think it looks like happiness,

I think it looks like a consistent and steady joy that is unwavering, even when tears stream down your face.

I don't think it looks easy,

as so many of us make it look.

Rather, I think it looks like a daily battle, a fight for something greater. A fight for truth in a world of lies and hope in a world of people who feel hopeless.

It's waking up each morning and putting on your armor because the question is not if the attacks will come but rather when will they come.

However, this battle is different,

for the victor has already been declared. And it is we who stand as conquerors on the One whose blood had the last word.

so no,

I may not always be happy,

but I always have hope.

No, I may not know what my future holds,

but I know who holds it,

No, I may not feel as though I have the strength to carry on,

but it's okay.

for this battle has already been won.

we need to do nothing but believe.

and that is something worth living for.

-Hi,

I'm a believer,

what are you?

October 23, 2019: Prayer Journal Entry

"Today,

I choose to worship.

It may not look like yelling and lifting my hands in praise,

but rather tears streaming down my face with my knees kissing the earth beneath me.

You say to come as you are.

Here I am.

This is all I have to give right now,

it's not much, compared to some,

but for me,

it's everything.

So yes, right now

I'll worship you with my tears,

I'll worship you with my desperation,

and I'll worship you with my weary heart.

For this is only a season, and it too shall pass.

And you are worthy of my praise.

Unknown date: Prayer Journal Entry

"so look at today as a sign that He isn't done with you yet.

sometimes I think we believe we are fighting this fight alone,

but were you the one who put breath into your lungs this morning?

or commanded your heart to keep breathing?

no.

It was the one who breathed life into you.

As long as that heart is beating

and your lungs are breathing then this battle has not been lost.

you are not fighting this alone.

It's your breath in my lungs."

October 24, 2019 // 10:41 am - iphone notes entry

I feel overwhelmed to the point of numbness. It tingles over my whole body leaving me sitting here physically and mentally paralyzed It’s debilitating. I can barely find the strength to hold my phone up to write these words I feel as though I’m about to fall apart I feel numb. I want it to stop. Please Make it stop.

Unknown date: Prayer Journal Entry

I think there is so much beauty in being at peace with yourself.

That though the storm may rage around you,

and some days it feels more like sinking that floating,

that there is always this hope of beacon of light that guides you and illuminates into the sea of darkness all around you.

It's this hope that reminds me it is all going to be okay, and that this battle is worth fighting, but also peace in knowing it's okay if today was a harder day and that there were more tears than smiles.

I find it extremely courageous and powerful for someone to love themselves in the midst of the storm, in the midst of the healing, when the scars are not only still visible but fresh.

It means that they have confidence in something greater than themselves. And it is because they are rooted upon that rock they they are not swayed by the storm.

They know that there is purpose in the pain,

and still hope in the heartache.

They are okay with not being okay, for they cling to a truth that they wholeheartedly believe.

That this battle has already been won.

So just because today was a hard day, and the battle still wages on, my heart finds peace and can rest knowing it's going to be okay,

even if that's not today.

October 31, 2019 // 2:36am- Prayer Journal Entry

Hi Daddy,

today was a mix of emotions, some more scary than others. I was standing surrounded by people in a crowd at an event and still was in my head. I wanted nothing more than to numb the pain with anyone or anything. I wanted to escape this life, my head, for just one moment and feel free from the cares and thoughts that burden me of unworthiness. Oh it feels so horrible, it rips me apart. I just want to get lost, to let go. To not feel anymore, at least the bad stuff. Oh Lord, help me. I need You, desperately need You. Don't let me run in this direction. Keep me secured and satisfied in You alone.

I Love You Lord,

Thank you for protecting me tonight,

In Jesus Name Amen

November 5, 2019 // 12:03am- iphone notes entry

I don’t understand Why is it that it takes 100 words to build me up, Yet only one to shatter me. Why do I run from what I once desired? Why do I feel alone when I’m surrounded by people every moment of everyday... even when I sleep. Maybe is it because they don’t see me? They see a body that merely contains me

November 5, 2019 // 12:12am- iphone notes entry

I stare at my phone, Wanting to call someone Wanting to ask for help Wanting to let them know I’m not okay Wanting someone to just be there... ...but instead my fingers just hover over the keys. Because though I have hundreds of contacts, I feel as though I have no one. And that’s one of the scariest things I could believe.

November 12, 2019 // 12:38am- Prayer Journal Entry

Hi Dad,

Today, I did a lot, a lot of things that took a lot of strength.

I got up, I studied, I took a test, I went to all my classes, I went to meet a professor, I went grocery shopping and brought my sick friends stuff back, I did a spanish assignment and I also studied 3 chapters for my quiz tomorrow. And I folded my towels. Thank you Daddy, for the little victories. I pray over tomorrow, give me strength Lord. In fact, Lord, live through me tomorrow, I can't do it myself. Help me Lord. Let Your will be done, it's not about me, it's about You.

I Love You, In Jesus Name

Amen

-Your Child

November 15, 2019 // 3:14am- Prayer Journal Entry

You are able.

December 7, 2019 // 7:09 pm - iphone notes entry

I have a high pain tolerance, In fact, I have a high tolerance for most things: For betrayal, for abandonment, for disappointment, for hurt. But never did I think I would need to have a high tolerance to sadness, to feelings, to this powerful emotion welling up inside of me. I want it to stop I want to numb it To stop it from boiling over and touching all parts of my life. But they tell me this is how it gets better That maybe it’s not my thoughts that are attacking me but that when the earth is broken, these feelings hide beneath, That this heart condition is the result of me drinking my own poison, That my fear to feel has been the roadblock on my way to healing. That I can’t fear sadness, as I do I can’t be afraid to feel anymore. it’s already begun, And there isn’t anything I can do now.

December 15, 2019 // 7:09 pm - iphone notes entry

I feel alone And so I tend to feel sad Although, Not all the time anymore. ...but still at times when I shouldn’t be. And being sad makes me feel angry and disappointed, but only in myself. Why can’t I be happy when im doing fun things? Why am I so in my head that I’m wasting away the life in front of me? Why is it that i am exhausted and usually feel bad after I spend time with people, yet time alone makes me feel just as bad if not worse. I feel stuck. With people I am in my head caring what they think, tearing myself apart By myself I feel disconnected and useless. Like I’m wasting away my life. I just feel stuck I feel alone. Why don’t I have my people? Why does everyone leave? I don’t know what I’m saying. I just wish someone understood.

December 15, 2019 // 9:30 pm - iphone notes entry

I just want to get lost in the music To feel free and beautiful and alive To not be weighed down by the weight of things that carry no worth. Yes, To have someone love me, but even more for me to love myself. To look in the mirror and smile, To see all of me and admire who I am, Who God has made me to be. I want to dance with no care, To sing with a passion in my heart, To smile that my eyes sparkle. Why can’t that be today.

December 15, 2019 // 3:06 am - Prayer Journal Entry

Hi Dad,

today was a weird day and kinda a long day. Lots of lies fill my mind. I pray you'll just give me peace and rest this week Lord. Guard and protect my mind and my heart.

I Love You,

In Jesus Name,

Amen

-Your Beloved

December 18, 2019 // 4:03 pm - iphone notes entry

I guess I just started to realize That real love doesn’t require me to get better in order to be loved Authentic love doesn’t mind that some of my scars are still raw, and that I at times wince at the touch of human affection True love doesn’t need me to be anything than what I am right now Love never makes me strive Love sees me right where I am, In the process of healing but still very broken And loves me. Not still, But because Because this is me.

December 20, 2019 // 9:03am - iphone notes entry

I realized something today When it’s cloudy and dark out, we always say that the sun went away. And we want her to come back. But in reality, The sun never leaves. Sometimes darkness just covers the light. However, no matter how much darkness tries, light always prevails. The sun never stops shining, even if we can’t see it. She isn’t worried about the next time everyone is going to see her light. She know the darkness is only temporary, And in the end, Light always wins And soon she will shine again

December 31, 2019 // 11:46pm - Prayer Journal Entry

Hi Dad,

Well, I want to thank You for 2019. I want to thank You for never leaving my side in the highs and the lows. I thank You for the best memories I've had and for helping me to truly understand the Gospel for the first time. I thank You for helping me to finally get into counseling and to see that You are good even when things don't feel good. I am beyond blessed and am in awe of You and all You and me have been through this year together. I also want to take a moment and just say how much I love ya. You saved me, You showed me what it's like to be loved, You have been my strength and my hope. I can never thank You enough. I know this year was amazing, but I know next year will be a year of break through, of loving myself and of so many more adventures with You. Dad, I'll see ya next decade! -Your Beloved

January 1, 2020 // 2:41am - Prayer Journal Entry

Dear 2020 and Dad,

This year, I am choosing to love myself. I will show myself the grace You have already covered me in. I will take each moment and be present in it, rather than thinking and worrying about things outside of my control. I will trust in You, because Your plan is greater, and in doing so I can release my control and rest in an all-knowing God who loves me dearly. This year, I will fight to not only see my worth, but to BELIEVE it. A transformation is taking place within, and my life will reflect my new way of thinking. But even on the days where I do mess up, I'm going to show myself grace and forgive myself. I'm going to remember I am loved by my friends and family but even more so by the King of the universe, and that I am here for a reason. I pray You will give me the courage Lord to say yes to You always, however crazy that may be, and that we can go on unimaginable crazy adventures together. I pray this year my heart, life, words, and actions will radiate Your light to all I come in contact with. I pray You will help me to love those around me fearlessly and risk it all to make You known. I pray my life will be a declaration of Your goodness and power this year Lord! Oh do a work in me! Move in me! I pray this year will be the year we become the closest we have ever been, that I would yearn for You and earnestly seek to know you more. I pray You will guide me to whoever I am meant to cross paths with this year and that You would help me to be life-giving to those around me. But Lord, help me to be still, to hear Your words and what You have for me. This year is a year of REDEMPTION and HOPE! It will declare Your grace and Your never failing LOVE. Lord, give me the courage to seek out truth and to love deeply and live authentically. Give me the courage to live sold out to You. For the one. I love You so much. can't wait to see what You have in store.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

Your Beloved

January 2, 2020 // 9:11pm -iphone notes entry

In the past My love for myself has been very conditional Or nonexistent all together

Not anymore. Not this year. Not any year. That’s changing now.

January 5, 2020 // 11:51pm - Prayer Journal Entry

Hi Daddy,

Tonight was really hard. I think it was the worst anxiety I've had in a long time. It scared me. It just kept getting worse and wouldn't go away. I feel horrible and embarrassed, like how could I have done that? I feel just so embarrassed, like that wasn't me. Why can't I just be happy? Why do things like anxiety and depression get to take moments from us? I just don't understand Dad. Why do things need to be this way? God, will this end? So many things overwhelm me right now that make it worse. You know what weighs on my heart. Lord, help me. I don't know what to do. Please help tomorrow to be a better day. Help me to feel like myself again. I don't want to fall into this dark hole. Hosanna, save me. deliver me...

Help me Lord, I need you Dad,

please help the lies to stop.

I love You,

Your Beloved

January 14, 2020 // 1:02pm - Prayer Journal Entry

Oh Dad!

You have rescued me, You've delivered me from the darkness that consumed me for months, I have been saved. All those nights I cried out to You, all those dark moments I prayed for You to take my life, those days where I felt like the weight of life was too much to bear, You set me FREE from the chains that once imprisoned me. I am no longer a slave to the thoughts that consumed me, I am no longer blinded by a fog that lied before me. You have rescued me!! You heard my cries, You saw my tears!! Oh Lord, You are good, so so so good!! My Savior, My King. You have given me a new song to sing, my faith has been restored, my hope renewed. The life I lived from the back seat for so many months is finally over!! I have my life back. I can breathe again, for the lies that once strangled me no longer have power. Oh Your goodness prevails!! The darkness trembles at Your name! No evil can stand against You! No darkness can prevail, Lord, You are so so good. I am speechless and in awe of Your mercy and goodness towards me. Oh how Your love was my strength when I felt too weak to carry on. Before Lord, I had heard of You, but now I have SEEN You (Job 42:5). I have experienced Your goodness, felt the overwhelming peace of Your presence, and found rest at Your feet. This is a place I never want to leave. In Your presence I will dwell, near to Your heart I will find my joy, my purpose, my life. I Love You Lord. I will NEVER stop singing Your praises. I LOVE YOU LORD! Thank You, all I can say is Thank You. -Your Beloved

January 17, 2020 // 11:28am - Prayer Journal Entry

Never forget the power of God and all He is able to do.

January 19, 2020 // 1:05am - Prayer Journal Entry

Be still, for He is able

most of my life I’ve believed that my burdens, brokenness, and battles were something i needed to hide due to the shame I felt. I have always carried a lot of shame... always wishing that my story wasn't mine, always wishing that I wasn’t as broken as I feel. I spent years running from it, hiding from it, and trying everything to keep it in the dark. thinking that maybe if I didn’t acknowledge my brokenness, then maybe it would just go away, maybe it wouldn’t affect me.

Around October of this last semester, I fell into the dark and scary reality of anxiety and depression. The anxiety and depression I had dealt with a bit in the past came back, but this time for blood, and before I even realized it... I began sinking deeper and deeper into a sea of darkness. In the last few months, I have cried more tears and felt more defeated than any other time in my life... and I began to believe that maybe this was the battle I wouldn't win. There were many nights that I cried, praying the Lord would just take me, that I did not want to be alive, that I couldn’t take the constant tormenting anymore. Every second of every day lies filled my mind, tearing me to pieces.

My mind was the one thing I couldn’t escape...and besides for sleep, I was a prisoner to my own body. I felt so out of control and paralyzed, it was debilitating. I tried to cry for help, but it often just came out as a whisper. Those around me tried their best, but I felt like I was drowning and being pulled deeper and deeper into the darkness that was consuming me... I’ve heard many people describe depression and anxiety as being in the back seat to your own life, out of control, yet still forced to watch as you crash and burn. I had so many moments stolen from me that should had been filled with joy and laughter and were instead replaced with tears and aching from within. I felt everything, so deeply, and it hurt to feel everything I had tried to suppress for so long. And no matter how hard I tried to run, I couldn’t escape it.

As I headed home from last semester, I was barely hanging on. In order to keep my mind busy while home, I decided to take an online class over winter break. For my class, we were challenged to go a full day in solitude and silence to come before God with intentionality and an open heart for what He had to say to us. First off, that sounded horrible, like thanks but no thanks... secondly, those were two of my worst fears- especially when being left alone with your own thoughts terrifies you.

However, despite my fears, the Lord met me there that day, with a steady voice and calming spirit, with a warm embrace and gentle reminder that He was greater than the battle I was facing, and a peace and rest I found only on my knees, at His feet, kneeling at the cross.

On January 9th, 2020- I heard silence for the first time in my life.

It is a moment I will never be able to forget, nor fully explain, but it was like the sun piercing the darkest of nights, with hope and grace for a new day. Like the way that the sun radiates and covers the cold earth with warmth and the skies with burning yellows and pinks.

I had for the first time in my life been able to hear things as simple as the birds serenading God with their voices and the beat of my own heart, keeping me steady. And for the first time in a long time, I felt the sweet and comforting presence of God in the nothingness, and heard His voice in the silence.

I was a prisoner to my mind no more, the chains had fallen, and I could breathe.

the racing thoughts and crippling lies and constant tormenting ceased...and there was nothing but Him and me.

Looking back, I realized for so long I filled my life with constant noise or distraction, just so I wouldn't have to face my own thoughts, so I wouldn't have to face what waited for me every night in the darkness when I was all alone. However, I realized that in the process of me trying to drown out the lies, I had also managed to drown out the sweet and steady voice of my Savior and King, covering me in His truth.

And for the first time in a very long time, I could hear Him...

that day, my dad came home and told me that God had spoken to him.

God told him that I would be healed.

As my dad told me these words, tears streamed down my face,

because my heart struggled to believe...

i couldn’t believe that God could heal me...

why me?

i didn’t deserve it...

other people needed to be healed more...

why would He save me?

i just I couldn't take my heart there, out of fear that I would just be left disappointed and hurt.

I wouldn't let myself get my hopes up that maybe this battle was almost over, that the end had finally come.

and for some reason that day, I found that I had clung tighter to my brokenness than to my God...

that I had accepted defeat

that I had placed my focus on myself and the wounds being inflicted upon me, and taken my eyes off of the One who bore the scars that saved me.

i believed that God was not able.

thinking no,

God could never...

this scar is too big, too deep, too raw to let Him touch.

And I struggled to believe...Believe that my God was able. that my God was great enough, powerful enough, big enough...enough..for me.

i clung to my brokenness because while I was ashamed of it, it had become something I identified with. i had become okay with not being okay, and settled for less than what God had to offer.

I was allowing my brokenness to control me and my life,

to get to say if I was okay or not.

I had accepted my defeat,

when in reality my King had already declared the victory.

as my dad sat looking at me with tears in His eyes, it’s as if the Lord told him all the doubts and fears that were flooding my mind. And he asked me something I that hit I will never forget...

“Do you believe that God can heal you?”

...I was in shock. In that moment, my heart broke, because I realized I didn’t believe He could heal me. I believed my scar was too deep, too raw for Him to heal. And I realized at the core, I did not believe God was able. However, even though my mind had accepted defeat, my heart clung to the truth that had pulled me through, the truth that had kept me fighting all those dark nights, the truth that has me standing here today... that my God was greater. And I knew that to be true. So with the sliver of hope I clung to, , I prayed that God would give me a heart that would believe...believe that He is greater, that no wound is too deep, too messy for Him. And as tears streamed down my face, I looked my dad in the eyes and said “yes”.

Since that day, things really haven’t been the same. That day, God saved me. He healed me not only emotionally and mentally, but Spiritually. That day God transformed me in ways I cannot fully explain, but it went way beyond the depression and anxiety I had experienced. God showed me that He was good, so so good. Not just because He had healed me, but all the time. He was good even in the midst of the battle, in the darkness of the valley, when the fog was too consuming for me to see His glory. However, even though, in that season I may not have felt His goodness in every moment, that did not change the truth that He is good. Even though I was struggling and hurting, that did not change the fact that He is still greater than any depression or anxiety. And just because it hurt me, did not mean that He would not use this scar for good. That day, God changed my life. not because He healed me, but because He changed the way I saw this life. I realized that God’s goodness and all perfect character was not dependent on my circumstances. Though my seasons changed, my God never will. He is the same God on the mountain tops that He is in the valleys. And I no longer to needed to fer what the future may hold, because I knew no mater what lied ahead, my Saviour would there with me. HE wold fight for me, I need only to be still (Exodus 14:14). So for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t afraid to be sad or for the next season, because I knew no matter what battle I may face, no matter what battle you my face,

our God is Greater.

He is able.

And even if my seasons changed, my God never would.

About a month ago, my counselor told me something I will never forget. She said, “often the happiest people in life are the people who aren’t afraid to be sad”, and I realized I have come to find that to be true. Right now, as I am here on the mountain top, I will sing praises of how my King saved me, how He delivered me from the darkness that tried to overtake me. But no longer will my praises stop there. When the next season comes, as it will, and I approach the darkness of the valley, I will not fear. Rather, I will lift my praises even louder, knowing that though my seasons change, the goodness of my God never will. I will never be alone no matter what battle I may face, and for that reason, I cling to the hope that I know to be true: that my God is good, all the time, always faithful, and never-changing, in Him I can find both refuge and rest, for He will never leave me nor forsake me, and no season or darkness can change that. In fact, any darkness I may face will tremble at His name, for He has already overcome the world. This is not a story of brokenness and defeat, but rather a declaration of how His strength was made perfect in my weaknesses. He has begun a work in me that He will see through till the end. Before I had heard of this life changing God, but now I have seen Him. And now, in both confidence and faith, this is the point in my journey where I give the pen over to my Author, to finish writing my story. For I know, He is able to do imaginably more than I could ask or imagine.

So now, I don't necessarily sing praises because everything is perfect, because life is far from that,

but because my God is worthy of my praise.

His character has always proven this to be true. He has overcome the world, darkness trembles at is name, there is no chain that cannot be broken and no weapon that can prosper against our Savior. By His blood we have been freed, by His blood we have won. That is why, I will no longer be ashamed of my scars, because one dark night My Savior was beaten and hung by nails in order to take on my scars, to take on my brokenness, to take on my shame...so I wouldn't have to.

Isaiah 53:5

But he was pierced for our transgressions,     he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him,     and by his wounds we are healed.

1 Peter 2:24

“He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.”

That is why, starting today, my scars will be a declaration of the greatest victory ever won, on that cross. By His scars, I am healed. His scars declare my victory, so that in my scars I may declare His glory.

…by His wounds I am healed.

You are healed.

I believe.

I believe with all of me that my God is greater,

That HE is able.

That no depression is too big, no heartbreak too deep, no loss to great for my God, our God.

He draws near to the brokenhearted

And although not all my scars and wounds will be healed on this side of heaven, I believe that sometimes, God delivers us through our battles rather than from our battles. And in both He is still good.

And I believe sometimes tears are the rain our hearts need for growth.

And finally, I believe my story is no longer something I need to run from, and my scars are no longer something to hide. Because my story isn't about what I've done, or about what I've endured, but rather a testimony of what God has done in and through me.

"it's never the perfect; it's always the ones with the scars that You use."

("Broken Things"- Matthew West)

So although some days I wake up and I find myself still struggling to not feel shame in my scars...to not want to deny my brokenness, every time look at my scars...I am reminded of His scars that declare His love for me.

and though I'm far from perfect, I am on a journey each day to fight for truth and remember God is greater than any brokenness I may have.

and I'm growing.

In the past the world has told me to hide these blood strokes that cover me,

that my fresh and healing wounds were a dark part of my life.

that I need to run from them, to hide them, to not expose them for that was where I was vulnerable, that they were what made me weak.

but recently,

I have found that what I once believed to be my greatest weakness is, in fact, my greatest weapon in this battle

the scars that once covered my skin like a plague,

I now find to be like a beautiful painting or work of art,

each speaking about a battle overcame and a victory won.

And though some wounds run deeper than others,

and some are still raw to the touch,

I am no longer afraid to expose them to the crisp air and sunlight,

I no longer feel shame when others see the stripes that cover me, indicating the battles I have fought.

and I no longer will keep these wounds from declaring their story, the battle that was fought, and the victory won.

It says in scripture that my God draws near to the broken-hearted,

And for this reason, I will no longer hide my scars,

I will no longer be ashamed of my brokenness,

because I have a God who meets me there.

And I will forever proclaim my need for Him in and through my brokenness

because, even standing here today, He is fighting for me and I stand in the victory He has already proclaimed.

and it's finally time that my scars, my weaknesses, my wounds, and my vulnerability declare His power through my story.

These are my battle scars.

what are yours?

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

songs of truth:

Waymaker -Leeland

Highlands -Hillsong UNITED

Adonai -Chris Renzema

See a Victory -Elevation Worship

Even When It Hurts- Hillsong UNITED

Rescue -Lauren Daigle

Another in the Fire -Hillsong United

Yes I Will -Vertical Worship

King of Kings -Hillsong UNITED