He doesn't want perfection

hi there guys

I have said this so many times before, but it has for sure been one of my longest breaks from the blog.

You could say it was the fact I got married, had a big career shift, went back to counseling, moved into our new apartment, and just in general have been taking some time to focus on things that I don't think ever have had the space to be worked through.

long story short, it takes a lot of mental and emotional energy.

it is such a cool journey learning more about my story, what God is doing, my "why", and what truly matters to me.

It comes with new things I have found I love like embroidery, playing call of duty, spending days with my mom, making my own chai, and sending voice messages to my friends.

It also comes with finding out a psychiatrist diagnosis, experiencing burnout, feeling overwhelmed and alone, struggling to find community, and also just not sure what the next or right step is now that I know what I am working with.

essentially, saying life has been hard would be the wrong description.

it for sure has been, but it has also been so deep with discovery. deep with love. deep with fighting for myself. deep is hard. but so rich.

so maybe it has been all the digging that has been happening. but i am seeing that sometimes you have to allow yourself the space to just be with yourself. very scary at times, but facing the things that scare you.

one of those things being me feeling the need to reread all that I have typed so far. butttt...i am going to resist the need to fine tune my thoughts.

there are a lot of things that i still feel waist deep in. not sure what step to take next. i felt that way with this blog for a bit. i knew i needed time away to just learn for myself, not to share the healing and journey yet. but, turns out, this journey is going to be a lot longer one than I initially anticipated.

so i knew i needed to just get back here to keep writing. writing is therapy for me and i truly do miss it. i get to look back on my old blogs from when i was in college or before i was married and as i was coming to know God as Lord and they encourage me for the unknown seasons i know lie ahead of me.

so here is me taking an unknown but steady step back into the blog. not waiting for a big revelation or aha moment. not waiting till the 18 drafted blogs i have attempted to write this year are finely tuned until they feel perfect for others consumption.

instead, we are taking a step just knowing this is the right direction and knowing God will give us the courage for the next step.

one of my friends encouraged me recently that big faith takes someone willing first to have small faith. and today i am choosing to allow my small faith to be used by God. and honestly, He can do so much with just one imperfect step.

so this may be a blog that is not proofread with a clear direction or goal. but it is an imperfect step in the right direction.

whatever you have in the back of your head, you don't have to wait till you can do it perfect. i know dreams seem daunting. so instead of chasing your dreams, how about today we just take one imperfect step in the right direction. try sewing your second pillow cover and see how lopsided it turns out, cook a meal that is your favorite and then leave the dishes for tomorrow, tell God about your happy and angry feelings and then take a nap, send a voice memo if texting feels like it is just too much today, and continue writing that blog you didn't know how to start. Life isn't about fresh starts, its about continuing. to know all it takes to continue is one more imperfect step. plus, God never needed your perfection anyway.

Selena