how to find life

right now,

i look up and see the sun's rays shining through the tree that me and my blanket are lying under.

my country music, the leaves rustling in the wind, and the birds chirping are my company.

oh, and the ant walking across my journal as i write.

even though my mind has decisions to make and thoughts to work through,

I feel peace.

I feel still.

tomorrow I turn 20,

somewhat an end of an era,

but the beginning of a new chapter.

or maybe just a continuation of another one.

the last 3 months have flown by, yet every one of them was filled with a depth and life I haven't experienced in a long time.

with that came many tears and days of confusion and heartache,

yet somehow, I find the moments of pure happiness far outweigh the harder days.

I think of the laughs and smiles and moments with loved ones with a tenderness,

but I now also view the hard days in the same light.

If I've learned anything in this time, it's that fully living doesn't consist of constant adventure or smiles or the next societal high.

it doesn't look like an easy life with never ending happiness or worldly success or meeting the right person or being in control of every detail and achieving every dream you have.

and to be honest that's no longer a life I desire,

although those were all things I craved for so long.

I realized living is being fully present in whatever moment or situation you find yourself in right now.

if that looks like sitting outside on the grass on warm summer day,

then give thanks to God for today, smile big, and bask in the beauty of creation.

let it touch every part of your being,

and just be.

but if right now life looks like a never ending battle, and you find yourself surrounded in the midst of the war, then run into the arms of Your Heavenly Father, and find rest in His embrace.

& when the tears come, let them.

let them flow like a river from the depths of your soul.

because as I have found, tears are often the rain our hearts need in order to grow that life may come forth.

and as the tears flow and you rest in His arms, give thanks to Him, our Almighty God.

say thank you for the blessings, because even on the hard days there are so so many, and give thanks that He is enough for us.

that the mountains may crumble into the sea and the earth may give way but that does not change the goodness of our God.

and give thanks for this moment, for even in the pain we know our God is able to make darkness into light,

and our pain will not go to waste.

For even when we don't see it,

He is working

even when we don't feel it,

He is fighting on our behalf.

He is doing a good work in and through you.

so rather than wasting away the "now" living for tomorrow, constantly dissatisfied,

I choose now.

and in doing so, I choose life.

For He, our God, is life.

and this moment, right now is a gift from Him, whether I can see that yet or not.

And choosing "now" looks a lot different than how the world tells us to live.

it looks like choosing to love whoever is in front of you right now, rather than waiting for love to come your way.

it looks like loving who you are right now and showing yourself grace while you are still healing and growing.

it's embracing the journey realizing God is not bound to our expectations for our lives, and seeing that our life was not intended to be filled with unforgettable adventures but that life is intended to be the unforgettable adventure.

the ups & downs

twists & turns, unexpected changes, flowing tears, smiles so big they hurt, community that you fight your battles with, choosing love even when it isn't easy, having courage to free fall into the unknown and to give God control, and grace for when you mess up as we all do. To no longer see failure with disdain, but to welcome it, because it means you didn't let fear stop you. To dust yourself off & get back up stronger than before with the King of the Universe by your side.

this is living. To let go of the things that try to steal you joy & peace, and instead choose to seek life. Because in our God we find a life characterized by peace & joy & love.

our God is life! Never trade what He has for you for what the world has to offer, for this world will never satisfy.

instead Abide in Him, for He is the wellspring of ALL life.

He is the one your heart desires.

so run to Him, run to Him with everything in you each day.

choose Jesus.

choose Life.

He is the blessing.

And though we are not promised a perfect life, life with Him is the greatest life we could ever live.

so choose him.

choose to live now.

and find satisfaction in the one who created you, the one for whom your heart was designed.

and with Him, you will find your life.

love y'all,

-Selena