i can rest

here we are again,

it's 5:30 in the morning and i find myself here writing while most of my city is sound asleep.

I've been up since 3:30 and i've already listened to two podcasts, downloaded a calming color gradient game, and read through some of my old blogs.

As usual, my mind is active and so I thought it would be a good time to write.

Life has been a lot, in the best and also most testing ways.

This year my fiancé and grandpa both went through extreme surgeries that were life altering. I have been pushed to emotional and physical limits I have not experienced before. I finished my job at DBU after two years and began a new job here in Colorado for the summer working with kiddos with mental disabilities. I got engaged to my best friend YAY! I have begun the fun (and very stressful at times) process of planning a wedding. And I leave tomorrow back to Texas to finish my final semester of college. WILD.

God has been so sweet and so kind. Yet, I have found that words fail me lately. Words to encompass the gravity of this year and the changes coming.

Would it be too real to say that a lot of the time I can really only take a day at a time to make it through all of this? Even when there is so much good, life can still be a bit overwhelming.

I worry a lot, and that is me just being real.

Wondering about if I am enough or doing enough. If I am being present enough and enjoying the moment before it is gone, if I am spending my time wisely or if I am growing deeper in my faith.

I often see this described as me just being restless. With a wedding to plan, a senior year to finish, a life in two different states, and so many things to do. I find that the last thing I do is rest.

I used to take pride in it honestly, thinking I can do the most and be everything for everyone (including myself). I live at times as though I have something to prove, and for some reason the "no" button in my brain seems to be broken.

A lot of us can probably nervously laugh and say we relate, but deep down we can't remember the last time we truly rested. I have found I literally did not know how to rest at the beginning of this summer. So much so that free time literally sent me spiraling into anxiety and made me cry (yeahhhh we are working on that).

So when I come to you today, I speak from someone who is physically unable to rest at the moment, yet feels more rested than I have in a while. I am watching the pink sunrise peak through my window as the world is beginning to wake up, and i am reminded how necessary it is for our souls to find the rest they desperately crave.

First off, let me say that everything in culture right now is telling us the opposite. They tell us that we have to figure things out for ourselves, make our dreams come true, strive for more and more.

And let me tell you, from someone who has struggled with striving for 21 years, we have to choose rest and make time for it, or it is not going to happen.

My old mentor once described to me what it means to be a person at rest.

Someone who is present, who is content and satisfied in who they are and who they are created to be. The present moment is enough to fill them with joy and a content smile while they welcome those around them to the same peace they are experiencing.

WOW does that sound amazing.

Then there is the opposite end of the spectrum, a striving person.

This is that person that kinda makes you feel like no one or nothing is ever enough. Being around them makes you feel like you need to be more, strive with them, and that you are being left behind. Whether it be that you need to have more money or more things on your schedule or workout more or have 5 more Bible studies each week, they make you believe that you simply cannot rest because there is too much to do or be.

Just talking about that kind of person is exhausting.

On a real note though, I find I am very often the second person. Especially in the most recent season. My constant struggle seems to be my need to have control, or more to at least feel like I do. I liked to have things figured out and feel put together even if the mental state feels a bit like a hot mess. And to be honest, I notice striving does always lead me to a place that is more anxious and worried than I was even before.

On a vulnerable note, getting engaged was the sweetest thing ever. I was overjoyed and on this high until a week later when I was hit with the responsibility and weight that comes with wearing this ring. I suddenly realized I was going to be a fulll on wife and needed to charge full speed ahead to get my life and this wedding and the future all figured out. Which, if you know anything about Kyle and my story, you know it is always a bit unpredictable.

I looked at the clock and knew I had two months to find a venue before I left for Texas. So there I was spending every day working and then coming home and researching. And to even explain the amount of obsessive anxiety I had would be hard because I didn't even see it fully until quite recently. I was trying to figure everything out and in the midst of it lost sight of my sweet fiancé and the sweet gift that God had given me in me getting to marry my best friend. After some long talks, and some more life changes, we realized we were just going to rest in God and let Him put the pieces in place of when and where and how, where our own knowledge ended and His began. And wow has that made a difference.

This morning I went back to one of my old blog posts from two year ago when I described life like a GPS. We literally only know where we are and where we are going, rarely any of the steps in between until the time is right. In this case, we all hopefully know that we are beloved children of God, and one day we will be reunited with our Creator and Father, King Jesus.

With the point A and point B known, it makes it a lot easier to know that He can guide us in the in-between. That we can give him the wheel and just sit back and relax in the passenger seat and take in all the surroundings.

I've noticed myself that it is a lot easier to appreciate the views around me when I am in the passenger seat anyways. I can just roll down my window, recline my seat, put the seat warmers on (yes even in the summer), lean my head back, and stick my hand out the window as I enjoy the beautiful surroundings of where I currently am. And in that there is so much peace.

I have found it a lot harder to enjoy it all when I am so stressed trying to figure out where I am going and so focused on when I will get there.

In this, I see that God opens the door for me to sit in the passenger seat and allow Him to lead me. He feels honored that I would trust Him, and loves the thrill of the surprise adventures he has in store for me along our journey. It allows me time to admire Him and sing praises to Him as the wind blows through the car and out back into the world. And it also allows me the freedom to sleep and rest on those parts of the journey that feel never ending and scary, because I find comfort that He knew those storms were coming.

And in that there is no longer a struggle for our life. We aren't constantly fighting for control and also aren't always looking in the review mirror at our past or the cars around us. Instead, we are ever-present, excited for what is ahead but fully content for the place we are now.

Resting in a God who is holding my right hand, and puts all of my worries and striving to rest. And I find that the key to rest is trust, because trust is where I finally let go and choose to be free.

And let God be God.

-Selena

Bigger Than I Thought: Passion

Overwhelmed: Big Daddy Weave

No One Ever Cared for Me like Jesus: Steffany Gretzinger

All Praise: Sean Curran