imperfect human being

i don't know where to start,

but sometimes my heart just feels restless.

and tonight has been one of those nights.

spent a little too much time on instagram, and somehow left feeling worse about myself and my life then when i started.

just a few pictures made me believe so many lies so fast and honestly its terrifying how quick the spiraling can begin.

how satan can use another human life against your own,

i see his game. it's to turn us against eachother.

often disguised as comparison and judgement or jealousy.

and the reality is:

striving to be "perfect" really does tear you apart piece by piece,

and comparison is the poison that slowly kills.

so why do i fall into them so often, as though they are the default setting in my mind?

am i alone in that?

can anyone else relate?

if im being honest, i struggle a lot with comparison and that constant struggle to want to be "perfect".

even now, my mind races because i feel as though my words will fail to capture what i am trying to say, which leaves me feeling defeated before I even started.

and to be honest i dont have all the right words about it yet, and i am having to remind myself that that's okay.

sometimes i write to find answers rather than to give them.

and this is also a way in which today i defeat the restless spirit inside me telling me i need to be perfect.

because what better way to conquer a lie than to speak truth?

I am imperfect.

wow that felt good to say.

i am a 20 year old who doesn't have it all figured out and in fact im not even close.

i've cried a lot this last week, and ate some powdered donuts before dinner tonight.

this morning i gained time on my run, and had to remind myself that it is okay if it was an off day,

i got my wisdom teeth out a few weeks ago and i noticed my body gain weight in places i had lost it, and that's okay.

and i've fallen into the comparison and approval game where i have wondered if what i had to post was "worthy" and good enough to receive others approval, and i was let down to see i had not gotten as many comments or reactions as i thought.

i am a real human, with real life stuff.

and that's amazing, even if sometimes i struggle to remember that.

and i know you're human too, no matter how hard you try and hide it.

behind our degrees and relationships and jobs and clothes and makeup and body shape,

we are all human beings.

so why do we so often feel the need to be "human-doings"?

constantly striving,

never at rest,

never enough.

tonight i had the rude awakening from God that His grace is all i need.

and that His power works best in my weakness,

in my "realness"

in my imperfection.

and that my imperfections declare my need for a Savior,

and they invite the world to see the redemptive work Christ has done in my life to save me.

but where does grace come into the picture?

grace.

"the free and unmerited favor of God".

free.

as in there is nothing i could do to earn it.

a very very hard word and concept for me.

in fact, that is why i chose it as my word for 2020,

that and courage.

this year, my prayer is that God would help me to have the courage to be imperfect, the courage to fail, and to help me have grace for myself when i do.

but that i could also have the courage to allow my imperfections to be seen by the world so that His power could be at work in and through my life to tell His story proclaiming His glory.

but see,

i cannot accept grace until i realize that i am imperfect,

because only then am i in need of it.

same with our God.

we can't accept the gift of salvation until we realize we are in need of saving,

which entails our need for a Savior.

the beautiful thing is that God meets us right where we are, in our imperfections and the "real life stuff", and He doesn't run or turn away from us.

He looks at you in such complete and perfect love that it heals.

trust me, i understand what it feels like to look at your imperfections with utter disgust, wishing you could run from them, wishing you could change your life or your body or your story,

thinking that perfection is the answer.

and to be honest, it is.

but not on your part.

you were never called to be perfect, in fact, it is impossible.

the answer is perfect love from a perfect God.

a God who took that burden away from you to have to "be" anything for anyone in order to earn love or acceptance or the worth you desire.

He looks at you and already adores you,

knowing all your imperfections and rather than running from you, He runs to you.

He is the relentless pursuer of your soul.

He loves you.

the you of the past, present, and future.

the you who has sinned,

the you who struggles with worry,

the you who fights battles every day.

He loves you, the real you. the you that no one else fully sees.

and that is why it is so beautiful to be fully known and fully loved by the King of the Universe, your Creator.

because when you start to compare yourself to someone else,

you can remember that you were intricately designed with a purpose and that You are loved for you.

but you can also remember that God loves that person too, and they were made for a purpose unique to themselves.

and when you struggle to look to others for that acceptance i know we desperately crave, we can remember that we were created by our Creator for our Creator.

instead of feeling the weight of the worlds eyes and opinions, we can rest when we realize the one we live for is already head over heels in love with us and fully accepts us.

and lastly, when we struggle with the need to be perfect, we can remember that the words "human being" and "perfect" cannot coexist.

but the words "real" and "grace" can.

so i challenge you today, as i challenge myself too as i am still fighting this battle alongside you, to have the courage to fail today. the courage to boldly live as an imperfect human being knowing that it declares our need for an all perfect God.

and remember, in all our imperfections we will be met with a perfect love.

i love y'all,

have a great day

-Selena