whats been on my mind

I always seem to come back here.

sitting crisscross on my bed with a blanket around me and laptop in front of me.

my mind and heart full

and often when I feel I have no where to run,

I always come back here.

to writing

To be honest, I don't know what this blog is going to be about, or if it will even be posted. I just know that my heart needs to write. It's what I always come back to. It's the one place I feel most in touch with my soul, where body and mind and spirit meet.

I feel that there has been so much to process lately,

pandemic

no more school, at least thats how it feels

moved back home

struggle with staying connected

the ups and downs from day to day

fear turned anger turned overwhelmed

restlessness turned to rest turned to endless waiting to just sitting

free yet trapped

rested yet no where to go

connected virtually but not physically or emotionally

things that once mattered no longer do,

and things that I once didn't think twice about that I now miss.

how has so much changed so quickly.

I heard recently that this is a time for our souls to catch up with our bodies.

to not take it for granted

to rest while we can

that nothing will be the same

that we need to take it only one day at a time

and it will all be okay.

some days it feels like that.

some days my soul feels at rest

still

peace-filled.

i feel as though my life is finally being filled with things of value

as though im finally living a life i want

basking in the rays of the sun, long talks, not rushed or pressured by a to do list or clock, finally still.

yet other days, like today, I just don't feel like myself.

I feel everything, I look around me and wonder how is this real

and will it ever end?

some days home feels like safety

other days it feels like prison

I feel stuck and yet free at the same time

confused when my entire life i've been told to live for tomorrow.

but tomorrow, yesterday, and today were all cancelled.

paused.

postponed.

stopped.

i miss giving people hugs,

and im not even a physical touch person

i miss late night adventures and having homework be my biggest worry

i miss community, because this virtual crap just don't cut it for me,

and some days I just am too exhausted to press the call button.

i've become strangely comfortable with my own company,

i realize that the introvert in me never died.

i started the books, started the podcasts, started the workouts

yup

it's hard because while this time is so difficult, something in my soul is scared for it to end.

scared to go back to the rush of reality

the constant feeling and restlessness in my chest pushing me on each day, knowing no matter how much I do there is always something else

scared to become apathetic and ungrateful again for all I've been blessed with.

I truly do not know how I will be able to go back to someone else managing my time, telling me where I need to be and when, and controlling my life.

so I'm not going to let them.

I don't know how I am going to be able to interact with other people again, even though that's what my heart craves.

short conversations at times can even be exhausting now.

im stuck in that weird place where I want this season to be over, yet not for the next one to begin.

I want a new normal.

not one with masks and six feet between me and you

but one where I will hug strangers, and those I love even tighter

one where people will say how they feel, and mean it, because they know that nothing is promised

one where families have been restored, friendships redeemed, and lives made new.

one where God is enough for me, and the things of this world are no longer what I seek for my satisfaction.

this is the normal I want.

long drives with friends, singing and smiling

people more at touch with their hearts and mental health

souls searching for the only One who could save them.

oh how my soul yearns for this.

anyways, i have no idea what this is entirely, other than it's whats been on my heart and mind.

and if my soul calls me to write, it is only so long until I am forced to listen.

maybe you feel the same way, maybe you don't.

but it's okay.

sometimes I write for me,

and i'm learning it's okay to do things just for yourself sometimes

because our souls deserve it,

in fact they need it.

love yall.

-Selena